Feisal Naqvi

Plan 9 from outer space

In Uncategorized on December 18, 2014 at 3:42 am

The fearless leader of the PTI, Mr Cornered Tiger himself, recently announced a “Plan C” for the removal of Mian Nawaz Sharif. As originally presented, the plan was to “shut Pakistan down” through strikes and demonstrations. Subsequently, the plan has been downgraded a bit.

You see, in order to ‘shut down’ a country, it must first be the case that the country is ‘open’. Since Pakistan is already well on the way to being comatose, it will be difficult to tell that the country is shut down.

There were also other problems with Plan C as announced, including particularly the fact that the social calendar on one day was already occupied by a local group’s plan to spread peace and love through forcible conversions and the odd killing. The new version of Plan C now requires members of the PTI to channel their anger into a tsunami of twitter hashtags. Because, dude, once you trend on twitter, inquilaab aavay hi aavay!

In the meantime, Imran Khan has also announced that in the (remote) possibility of Plan C not succeeding, he has already conceived of a Plan D. Details of Plan D are a little sketchy at present, since Mr Khan’s brain trust has yet to whisper it into his ear. But rest assured that it will be horribly effective.

As of yet, no Plan E to rid Pakistan of its elected prime minister has been announced. But that is only a cunning tactic to lull the Noon League into complacency. Here, without further ado, are the plans still to come.

Plan E: The PTI’s youth wing builds a giant wooden rabbit and parks it outside PM house. When the security guards pull the rabbit in, the youth wing jumps out and promptly takes over PM House.

Plan F: IK stands on a container and shouts “Oye Nawaz!”. Repeat till NS runs away. Not to be confused with Plans A – D.

Plan G: Same as Plan F but this time IK wears a hot pink kurta-dhoti ensemble and the shouting session coincides with the launch of the ‘Maula Jutt’ remake.

Plan H: IK runs bare-chested all the way from Bani Gala to PM House. When he reaches the gates of PM House, he swerves to the right. The crowd of Insafians following him continues on its path, bursts through all security barriers and takes over PM House. Even if unsuccessful, video of run to be released as a docudrama with ‘Eye of the Tiger’ playing in the background.

Plan I: Backed by the sultry vocals of Shireen Mazari, IK stands outside GHQ and serenades the army chief with an unplugged version of “Sanoo nehr vaalay pull tay bula kay.” The chief is suitably abashed by the reminder of his bewafai and promptly launches a military coup before handing over the reins of power to IK.

Plan J: Same as Plan I but song changed to that Bollywood hit in which the refrain is ‘jhinga lala boom’.

Plan K: IK travels to the planet Tatooine and finds a young boy by the name of Anakin Skywalker whom he trains to be a Jedi knight with the help of Obi Wan Qureshi. After Anakin becomes Lord Vader and is converted to the Dark Side, he orders the Death Star into orbit around Pakistan and helps IK defeat the tribe of Ewoks known locally as the Noonies.

Plan L: IK invites all the corps commanders and the COAS to his house for a friendly evening doing karaoke versions of ‘You’re in the Army Now’. By the end of the night, everybody agrees that IK really must be made PM – like right now! – and the 111 Brigade is directed to make a move.

Plan M: Same as Plan L but the entertainment is changed to ‘Wagner for Dummies’ presented by Ayaz Amir.

Plan N: IK goes into the construction business and becomes fabulously wealthy making housing societies decorated with replicas of the Eiffel Tower. He then gives a plot to every bureaucrat and senior officer in Pakistan and is no longer interested in becoming PM.

Plan O: IK reads a copy of best-selling self-help sensation ‘The Secret’ and then spends the rest of his life really, really, really wanting to be PM.

Plan P: Same as Plan O except that IK doesn’t read the book himself. It is read aloud to him while IK runs around his garden (bare-chested of course).

Plan Q: IK visits the US on a fund-raising tour and bumps into Hillary Clinton, still hurt and bitter from her betrayal by Bill. When Hillary becomes president, she remembers IK with misty-eyed fondness and directs the US military to invade Pakistan and make IK the PM.

Plan R: IK is taken on a tour of the nuclear medicine facilities at Shaukat Khanum Hospital. While there he is bitten by an irradiated spider. Because great power comes with great responsibility, IK uses his spidey-powers to wrap NS in a giant cocoon and takes over political power.

Plan S: IK cancels his retirement from cricket and leads Pakistan into the 2015 Cricket World Cup. Pakistan wins the tournament under his able leadership. The constitution is then immediately amended by a grateful nation to declare IK as PM for the rest of his life.

Plan T: IK marries Fatima Bhutto and declares himself as the only true heir of ZAB. Zardari and his cronies flee the country in panic as Sindh declares itself for Khan. The combined PPP and PTI are enough to force midterm elections. IK wins in a canter.

Plan U: Operation Zarb-e-Azb ends with a rout of the Pakistan Army and an ascendant TTP. Mullah Omar appoints IK as his deputy for Pakistan and IK rides the Talib wave all the way to PM House.

Plan V: Altaf Bhai retires from active politics. IK takes over the MQM after reminding the Urdu speaking world that his ancestors spent more time across the Radcliffe line in Jallundur than across the Durand Line in Afghanistan. IK then moves to Edgware Road and spends the rest of his life haranguing PTI crowds over the telephone.

Plan X: IK files a petition before the Supreme Court, asking for the Independence of India Act, 1947 to be declared unconstitutional. After the court accepts his petition, the Queen of England then appoints IK as her viceroy.

Plan Y: After choosing the red pill, IK wakes up to find that the world as he once knew it is actually a giant computer simulation. With the help of a few renegade hackers, IK takes over the Matrix and reprogrammes it to make himself the PM.

Plan Z: The PTI runs Khyber Pakhtunkhwa with skill and sensitivity, and makes it the envy of all Pakistanis not living there. IK runs for election in 2018 and the PTI wins a majority of the seats in parliament. Parliament elects IK as PM.

This column appeared in The News on 4 December 2014


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